I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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