i wish peter jackson would direct porn
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
