how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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