it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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