Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just invented taco cereal.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
