tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
