i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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