Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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