I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.