I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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