I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
