I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Randomize
