I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
