Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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