Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
