This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
