Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
