I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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