He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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