I would go down on you faster than GM stock
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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