I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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