Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
