If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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