I'll bet she douches with gravy.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
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She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
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party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
i believe in u and ur pee
You ruined the universe
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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