I queefed so loud it echoed.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You ate ashes out of my bong
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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