piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
