he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
