listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
