dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
