ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
