I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
