Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
