Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize