A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
