OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
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