If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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