I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
