I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
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She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
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I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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