you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Randomize
