She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
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I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
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Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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