the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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