how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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