I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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