so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
