explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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