i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
