For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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