so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
