Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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