now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
