I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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