I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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