Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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