do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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