it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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