Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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