i need an iv and a liver transplant
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
They took my balls.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
