If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
